IT'S amazing how shallow women can be sometimes.

The Greasy Pig was at the pub one night with an accomplice and he started chatting up an older lass who would forever become known as 'Deep Throat' Queen for obvious reasons.

Anyway, she brushed me initially but then my accomplice grabbed her and started telling her I had a massive schlong.

Well didn't her attitude change after that! She was all over me like a rash.

Had I been sober I would have done the runner but I was blind and she was willing to accommodate me. So we get back to her place and down to business.

Here she was dreaming about a monster dick that had its own heart and lungs but she was most disappointed when GP dropped his strides and, in the great tradition of Al Pacino, said, "Say hello to my little friend!"

She took a long look and said, "I thought it would be bigger."

Some men might be offended by such a remark but GP just kept on truckin' and gave her the time of her life.

What's the old saying?... "It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog."

The Greasy Pig thought he'd done very well by convincing a young lady to break her New Years resolution not to have any more one-night-stands.

She was fairly attractive and funny so they went back to hers and got down to business.

Anyway, the next morning, GP woke up sicker than 10 men after a big night of piss-drinking and pleasuring the young woman.

He staggered out into the girl's lounge room and there was a bloke sitting there eating Weet-Bix. It turned out to be her little brother.

The two blokes made smalltalk and the brother bummed a smoke.

Apart from the fact the GP had just been engaged in his very own porn movie with this bloke's sister, he was pretty cool.

Anyway, the lucky young woman soon emerged and said her friend was coming over and she could drop me off at my little brother's place.

Perfect!

The friend arrived and the GP and his mistress jumped in the car.

The Pig was in the back seat and regularly leaned forward to make conversation with the girls during the 15 minute car ride.

All was sweet, they dropped him off, he waved goodbye and ran upstairs into his brother's room.

He ran in and woke his bro up, “Ha ha, I got laid last night.”

Little-GP rubbed his eyes and woke up and said with a puzzled look on his face, “Did you get in a fight or something last night?”

“No,” I replied.

“Did you hit your mouth on something or what? There's blood or something on your face!”

The GP ran to the bathroom mirror and screamed a cry of anguish that could be heard across 10 suburbs.

All over his chin and mouth was the unmistakable traces of dark-red blood.

Knowing he hadn't been in a blue, GP realised the girl he had been with the night before was obviously having her period.

It was menstrual blood!! Aaargh!!!!!

He feverishly scrubbed it off and was forced to listen to Little-GP piss himself laughing at the situation.

There are a number of factors to consider in this story.

1. The chick must have known she was either A) on her monthlies and didn't tell GP; or B) Knew her period was due but still went ahead and let the GP 'put the beard on' during the act of foreplay.

2. Her brother must have also seen the red stain on GP's chin the next morning when he bummed a smoke but he, too, chose to say nothing.

3. The girl herself would have seen it the next morning when she saw GP and again, she chose to say nothing either.

4. The girl's friend must have seen it as well and also chose to say nothing.

But before anyone passes judgment on this 'foreplay faux pas' and before everyone starts calling me Redbeard, just remember, I can name at least five other blokes I know who this has happened to so be careful.

So instead of giving me shit, why not share your own horror stories in the comment section you gutless bastards!!!!