You get ridiculed for sweating all the time and sometimes you produce odours which cannot be helped.

One day, GP and some mates jumped at the chance to accompany one of their dads on a four-wheel drive tour through the deep north which we dubbed, "4WD Fever" (actually saying 'double u' and 'dee', not four-wheel drive because we thought, erroneously, it sounded cool).

Up to Cooktown, west through the old mining towns of Laura and Maytown and then back to Cairns.

This takes in some of the roughest terrain in Australia and we were very excited. But the Greasy Pig loves his sleep and often found himself drifting off in the car instead of taking in the bush scenery.

Unfortunately, I fell asleep on a particularly rough section of "road" and I remained asleep even as we bounced up and down sheer cliff faces.

It was only when I smacked my head hard on the dashboard and then the passenger window on the recoil that I woke up amid the cruel laughter of the others in the car. But the Greasy Pig had his revenge...

I owned a pair of Lacoste sneakers which were my most prized possession at that young age but to put it bluntly, they stunk like they had been soaking in a sewage pond for two weeks, worn without socks in three marathons and then burnt.

I couldn’t smell them from my position in the front but the wankers in the back copped the full force.

They only put up with it for one day though and ended up tying the offensive sandshoes to the tow-ball at the back.

Bastards!

I got em back though by cocking the rim of their stubbies when they weren’t looking. Tee hee.

The Greasy Pig thought all his Christmases had come at once the other night but once again, he managed to tread on his own cock while wearing running spikes.

GP found himself in the company of a beautiful woman, a model no less, and he was on fire. This bird was loving every word that escaped his mouth. Each syllable was like the tune to her favourite song and every bead of sweat on his nervous brow and showing through his shirt from his armpits was like a powerful aphrodisiac.

But the time came for the love-struck pair to part ways and, in his smoothest James Bond manner, the Pig pulled out his wallet with the intent of giving the young hottie his business card with his email address on it.

With the sort of anticipation only the thoughts of doing the horizontal folk dance with a model can bring, Greasy Pig reached for a card but the same slot in his wallet his cards were kept in, also contained a condom.

So as he suavely began to pull a card out and, you guessed it, out popped Mr Condom as well.

There’s nothing you can really say in that situation to smooth things over although one of my comrades had it happen to him and ended up sleeping with the girl that night!!

I don’t think model girl will be getting in touch though…..

Oh well, her loss.

GP.

One night in Brisbane, a few of us got together to have dinner with one of the boys' new girlfriends. I'd never met her before and I was starving so I was looking forward to not only a good night out but also a really massive feed. To my dismay, the boys decided to go to a Thai restaurant which didn't exactly fit my desires for a huge meal.

Instead of just ordering more rice or spring rolls, I kicked up an almighty stink. But hey, hunger will do that to a man. I swore, I sulked, I yelled, I denigrated Asian food and Asian people. It was a sight to behold.

It would have been funny but I wondered why the boys weren't more good-natured when they were telling me to shut the fuck up. I had forgotten about my mate's new girlfriend in my rantings and she was standing there with the sort of look on her face you have when seeing a footballer's leg break in slow-mo.

To make things worse, after I'd calmed down, the Thai joint was shut! So I went off again. We eventually got to another restaurant famous for its pizzas and the size of its meals and I was happy. To satisfy my hunger, I ate about 4 slices of garlic pizza, a spaghetti carbonara and 12 slices of supreme and hawaiian pizza.

I could have stopped after the fourth slice and been quite okay but I had a reputation to uphold so I ate on. I'm not afraid to say the only reason I ate the final slice was because I had not only our table but most of the people at the table next to us cheering me on. One bloke was rubbing my shoulders like a boxer before a title fight and another was pleading, begging me to do it.

I did it and then went out and got drunk.

Awesome.