THE Greasy Pig never apologises – not even when he broke the great Wayne Carey’s nose during a spa-bath scuffle in 1999.

And he said, "Get stuffed!" to Anthony Mundine when "The Man" had his drink knocked out of his hand.

But I feel I have to apologise to everyone out there for my slackness in writing my musings and rantings.

I went on a month’s holiday to film the next big thing in porno: "Arse Pirates of the Caribbean – Curse of the Greasy Pig".

Keira Knightley agreed to reprise her role from the more 'mainstream' "Pirates" franchise and appear in this big-budget flick.

Pity her tits weren’t as big as the budget – she looked like a 12-year-old boy…..from the front and behind!

But still, she literally begged to be cast in the sequel: "Butthole Buccaneers – Davey Jones Wants to Cock 'Er".

Unfortunately, filming for "Arse Pirates" was cut short due to the Greasy Pig having a Steve Irwin-esque experience while on the set in the deep north of the country.

But no, he didn’t get attacked by a bastard stingray, he simply got caught with the director’s missus in a compromising position.

The GP’s explanation he got stung on the cock by a stingray and she was 'just sucking the poison out' didn’t quite cut it so he was sent home.

Anyway, I’m back.

There’s gonna be more farts, including a 14 second one "The Stink" ripped off just recently.

It’s so good it’ll bring tears to your eyes.

There’s another one that sounds like a Harley ticking over which will have you reaching for that box of tissues you suspiciously always keep beside your bed.

There have also been calls for more explicit content so hold on to your hats you bastards.

There’ll be stories galore to make you shake your head in disgust, put your hands over the kiddies’ eyes and seek counselling.

Keep in touch and for fuck’s sake, stay hetero. Love GP.